The lightbulb moment
Posted March 26, 2006 at 2:52 pm
Last Sunday, Amanda asked the following in a comment on the persistance post:
I’m just wondering, since I can’t seem to “get it” myself…what got you to the moment when overeating ended and the new lifestyle began? I mean, the real moment, the light bulb that you knew would never burn out?
I sat on this for a while, because it’s a bit complicated. And since I didn’t have the blog when I started this a year ago, I’m kinda having to reconstruct it. I’ll see what I can do!
So given that, I’d say that I had (at least) two “a ha” moments. And while I’m optimistic, I wouldn’t say that at either time that I knew I’d never have a problem with overeating again. I’m still not 100% sure, though this feels very, very different from past attempts to diet to lose weight.
And in fact, I have had a few “relapses” where I’ve gone back to my old way of eating and had to struggle to get back to my healthier eating. But the good news is that each time I go back, I’ve gotten more confident about my ability to do so.
My first “a ha” moment occurred a month or so after I started my new way of eating (note that I didn’t say “diet,” as that wasn’t what I was doing). I had started with the idea that what I really wanted to do was stop eating compulsively. I didn’t figure I would look like Heidi Klum by doing this, but I suspected that I wouldn’t remain at 375 either.
Before I got started, I had struggled with whether or not to do full blown low-carb (a la Atkins or Protein Power). I had become convinced that a large part of my overeating was physiological…and that the more sugar and refined carbs I ate, the more I wanted. I’d had past success with low-carb diets, but I also knew that diets didn’t work, that I needed to make a change to something I’d be prepared to do for a lifetime. And for me, that meant very low-carb was out.
So, I started last February just cutting way back on the white stuff. I did allow myself stuff that’s traditionally off diets, like corn or peas, but when I did that, that was my starch for the meal (i.e., I didn’t have corn and rice). But I was also adding in nutrients in the form of lots of veggies. So I wasn’t hungry…most of the time I was eating 3-4 cups of food at meals!
I’m not sure exactly when it happened, but about a week or so into this healthy eating, I started noticing that I had a lot more energy and my cravings to overeat were pretty much gone.
This was really interesting.
My second “a ha” came in early summer, about 4 months into this new way of eating. One of the things that had helped me early on was some external motivation (I had a conference in May that I needed to be reasonably mobile for). When I got back from the conference, that motivation was gone, and I realized I needed something to motivate me to keep up the healthy eating…and I wanted this one to be something internal, something that would be much longer lasting.
I think that it was at this time that PBS re-aired Wayne Dyer’s Power of Intention on PBS (which is now running, along with his newer show, right now. Check the schedule under “d” for Dr.).
Now Dyer may be too new agey for some, but I really liked his idea that we are energy systems, and that as far as energy goes, garbage in, garbage out.
I didn’t want to be thin…I wanted to feel good!
What I really I wanted more energy, so I started doing all sorts of stuff to increase my energy. And it wasn’t just about what I ate. Besides eating lots more SuperFoods, I started getting rid of things in my life that sapped my energy, and added things that increased my energy.
For example, I’ve always been a Howard Stern fan. I’ve listened for years (since I moved to DC with its really crappy FM stations). But as much as I liked the funny, relationship parts, I knew that the sophomoric stuff had an effect on me. So I just stopped listening, and either listened to a CD or a classical station in the morning.
And what I found was the more of this I did, the better I felt, so putting more “quality” into my life became a priority. Or as Abraham Lincoln said:
When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad.
For example, I knew that meditation would help with life’s stresses (and resulting desire to overeat). I found that quieting my mind was really difficult, so I did what I called the “lazy person’s meditation.” I used to watch a 10PM show in bed, muted with close captioning, and then listen to a CD on my iPod that was meant to relax me (this set is one of my faves).
I also started doing things like fixing up where I lived. Ever watch The Odd Couple? I’m Oscar Madison. But I realized that living in clutter was another thing I did that sapped my energy. So even though I was pushing 400 lbs, I found five minutes at a time where I’d go through the stack of magazines and toss out some, and so on. (I gave myself double points for this, because not only was it making my environment more positive, but it got me off the couch–and to this day, this has been my primary exercise!)
And what I found was the idea that if you wait until you feel like it, you may be waiting a long time. If you go ahead and do it, you may find, like I did, that doing something makes you feel better.
Here was a quote that summed this up:
If you believe that something is good, and you do it, it benefits you. If you believe that something is bad, and you do it, it is a very detrimental experience. There is nothing you can do that is worse for yourself than to do something that you believe is inappropriate, so get clear and happy about whichever choice you make.
Anyways, that was my second — and more important — “a ha.” I experienced this concept that by doing something good for myself, I could have a major effect on how I felt. So I started feeling really, really good, long before I lost a lot of weight.
Now, like I said, it’s not like it’s been smooth sailing for me ever since. Going on vacation, in particular, has been a quick way for me to jump right back to my old patterns. I attribute this largely to the bad effect that sugar and refined carbs have on me (it’s certainly not psychological, because I still have the same childhood before and after vacation :).
But now that I’ve struggled a handful of times, I’ve had another realization. Even if you respond badly to white stuff (mostly likely because you’ve had decades of dieting, like me), sugar isn’t crystal meth.
Yes, I have had cravings, and have gone two or three weeks with my “one more day” because it is hard to do that initial three or four days of eating until the cravings are gone. But what I’ve found is that eventually, the memory of how good healthy eating feels kicks in and I summon up the strength to start cutting back on the white stuff again. (See my inertia post for why it helps to realize that the hardest part is getting started…it won’t always be as hard.)
I’ve written here before that what I wanted was to want to eat healthy, etc. By looking at how I can increase energy (through positive changes like diet, etc.) and avoid sapping energy (by stopping negative self-talk, by cleaning up work and home spaces, etc.), I’ve found something I feel I’d be crazy to stop doing!
March 26th, 2006 at 3:44 pm
Thank you again, Beth, for the food for thought. It kind of gets down to being a grown-up, eventually, doesn’t it. Personal responsibility, knowing that wishing won’t make it so, putting one foot in front of the other. This post is yet another one I’ll be printing out.
March 26th, 2006 at 4:54 pm
What a great post, and so sensible. I am still looking for my lightbulb momentt and it is places like this that I visit that bring me closer to this every day. It is about living in the the today and not waiting until this or this happens. I am beginning to realize that by living to wait for something to happen I am collasally wasting this life God has given me. Thanks for the insight and the always thought provoking posts.
Bean
March 26th, 2006 at 6:10 pm
Thanks both for your comments! One quick note re the issue of “personal responsibility.” That phrase has a lot of negative baggage; like if someone isn’t successful, it’s just because they haven’t “accepted responsibility.”
So actuallly, part of what I’m trying to express here is that it may not be so much about being a “grown-up,” it may be about realizing that there could be things that are working against you.
For example, we’re not all alike, but I really think that the more we learn about carb metabolism, the more we’ll learn how some things that are supposed to be “good” for us (like rice cakes) might actually cause cravings and overeating.
Secondly, while I don’t subscribe to all the tenets of the fat acceptance movement, I agree that working from a philosophy of “I’m no good until I’m thin” is perilous. The whole Zen/Eckhart Tolle concept of the only thing there is is “now,” and by focusing on some mythical future, we wind up putting off our feeling good in the moment.
What I like about my approach is that I feel good now. In fact, I’ve been amused by the fact that though the world thinks I’m still really, really fat, I’ve never felt better…because I’ve made this connection about how what I do directly affects how I feel.
Also, like my it’s a marathon, not a sprint post suggests, this has been a journey. When I started, I had so little energy that I tried to find the healthiest takeout I could, and I ate a lot of soup (which I doctored with lots more veggies and lean protein).
Now, I cook a lot more, but not as much as I would like to. In a year, who knows? I could be giving Rachael Ray a run for her money :).
Anyways, I don’t want anyone to feel like I’m saying that they just need to “accept responsibility” (and I’m not saying that’s what you think Debbi…the phrase just pushed a button!). What I think is that we’re all being sold an “eat less and exercise more” bill of goods.
So I guess instead of thinking it’s an issue of personal responsibility, maybe I’m saying it’s worth looking at it as an issue of personal power. And that working to take your power back may be the way out of the kind of “banging your head against the wall” kind of overeating/dieting/shame life that I was mired in.
March 26th, 2006 at 6:32 pm
Hi, Beth - I really appreciate this entry and will be reading it again. I really, really like how you started - and are on - not a diet, but a way to improve your well-being, and your sense of well-being. Sounds like you have really tuned back in to your body (with the human imperfections, of course, as should be expected). This is so tough to do, I think, after the experience of dieting and connecting so much of what we do to our weight.
I too was going to comment on the “personal responsibility” comment above, because the notion of “personal responsibility” is loaded with blame, and that really frustrates any kind of analysis of what’s going on, what’s driving the various components that are creating a particular situation - and also frustrates any analysis of what circumstances can even (or should) be adjusted. Not to get preachy, I am just very, very uncomfortable with these one-dimensional, oversimplified (to my mind) prescriptions.
The other thing is, backing up, what is a light bulb moment, exactly? So many dieters are looking, I think, for a magical moment when they will, finally, want it bad enough to really do it, all the way. But that’s not what you experienced, am I right? You experienced a desire for something real, something you could enjoy almost immediately, not just thinness which can only come “one day” - if at all! And to me, THAT’s a lightbulb moment.
Again, thanks for the very thoughtful post, and for sharing so much about yourself here.
March 27th, 2006 at 6:48 am
My own history and experience leads me to look at personal responsibility as a positive trait – I’ve never thought of it as a negative. I look at personal responsibility as a very empowering concept. Finding what each of us needs in order to be true to ourselves is taking care of ourselves in a positive, responsible, caring, mature manner.
To add to the background of where my take on the subject is, I volunteer in a women’s federal prison. These women all, eventually, ‘get it’ that the judge or the pusher or the boyfriend didn’t put them where they are. They did it, and they can either do the time or let the time do them.
I think — hope! — we’re all talking about the same thing.
March 27th, 2006 at 8:29 am
Debbi, I tend to think that “personal responsibility” is a double-edged sword. Like you said, it can be empowering, but like Wendy said, it can be “loaded with blame.”
I’m not at all saying that personal recovery isn’t a factor (after all, I tend to ascribe a lot to the Rational Recovery concept that we do have a lot of control over our hands and our mouths). But I am saying that it isn’t enough.
You can be responsible as all get out but unknowingly doing something that works against you.
Why I’m lucky is that I no longer feel like I’m spinning my wheels. And IMO, while taking responsibility may have been a necessary first step, it wasn’t sufficient. Finding something that worked with me, rather than against me was the critical factor.
And what used to work against me was dieting. And thinking I could eat low-fat foods like fat-free cookies and rice cakes without a negative consequence. And thinking I could get away without a concern for things like vitamins and minerals and phytonutrients (especially as I get older :).
What I’m excited about in terms of what I’ve been doing is not so much that I’m finally acting like a grown-up and taking responsibility for my choices, though that was part of it. I’m excited that it’s a lot less work if I eat this way. I don’t have to white knuckle through a birthday party at work or agonize about what to eat at a restaurant. I stick with the way I’m eating because when I do, the urge to overeat is really lessened, and better yet, I’m feeling good, both physically and emotionally.
And that’s why this was relevant to the original question (”what got you to the moment when overeating ended and the new lifestyle began?”) — in other words, how I knew this time was different.
Personal responsibility may have gotten me started, but it’s personal power (I like this concept!) that’s keeping me going. And that, to me, is the difference.
March 28th, 2006 at 12:19 am
I like this post, it’s a great summation of changing your habits simply to be healthier. For me, it was a moment of thinking about my mom’s side of the family and how the women all lived to old ages in good health… and what they ate. My grandmother, for example, was eating low-fat long, long before the food police began preaching it. She ate very little processed food, saying it was all to salty and rich for her tastes. She ate a lot of raw onions. Fruit for breakfast every morning. And it hit me: this works. This wisdom predates the diet pushers and it works.
Now, I’m not chomping down raw onions (yet) and I still prefer Corn Chex for breakfast… but I’m better, I’m off the sugar rollercoaster and my appetite has actually shrunk a bit.
Though travelling, and especially going to carnivals, still makes me crave the evil stuff. Just as a treat.
March 29th, 2006 at 6:38 am
Wow, what a great post! So much to think about. I particularly like your description of not listening to Howard Stern - I’m not picking on him specifically, but there is so much angst and anger on the airwaves, it can’t possibly be beneficial to immerse ourselves in it. I’ve found I’m a MUCH happier person since I watch less television.
March 29th, 2006 at 7:53 am
Marla, this is something that Andrew Weil recommended in his original 8 Weeks to Optimum Health. Here’s a snippet I found in a Google cache:
I think the point that Wayne Dyer adds to this is that it isn’t just the news that can have a negative effect.
For me, thinking of it as math (energy in == energy out) is really worthwhile. Since feeling good is a priority, I at least try and think about the kind of energy I’m bringing into my life.
April 23rd, 2006 at 2:10 pm
I love your site. I do hope you’re writing a book about your experiences.
“Personal responsibility” is indeed simple, in a complex, Zen sort of way. (Grin.) At the end of the day, it’s just you. You decide what you are going to do, or not do. And it really is that simple. (Not easy, usually, but simple.)
From my own experience, I think listening to most talk radio, even a lot of the programming that’s advertised as religion-related, leads to a very sour, negative outlook. I don’t recommend it.