Attachment
Posted November 4, 2005 at 10:27 pm
Debra has a great post today about eating to soothe. It’s very interesting when put this up against yesterday’s Oprah, which was about a country music star (Mindy McCready) whose boyfriend had nearly killed her a few months back.
Did she leave him? Nope. She loves him, and in fact is pregnant with his child, apparently conceived while she had a restraining order out on him.
Oprah (and good bud Dr. Robin) were pretty hard on her in terms of getting her to accept how messed up it was to tolerate such harmful behavior. After a lot of (interesting) prodding, there was an “a ha” moment when Dr. Robin suggested that Mindy was using the boyfriend to revisit past childhood wounds (essentially acting as a surrogate for her mother).
What I thought was interesting was the extent to which Mindy wasn’t so much in denial about the harm (though there was clearly some of that), but how clear it was that she wasn’t seeing the pain because she was so attached to the promise of getting from her boyfriend what she wanted from her mother. The guy’s beating her, and she doesn’t want out. She wants him to be sorry (not to say he’s sorry, she wants him to be sorry). And of course, it’s not really her boyfriend she wants to be sorry.
Now, it may be a bit of circular logic to tie in this concept of attachment to the concept of eating to soothe. But for me, I know this was central to my overeating. I’ve made the comparison that my compulsive overeating was my version of a toddler’s temper tantrum. I was using my overeating to soothe, but I was also using the fat as a message: I want someone (else) to take care of me.
I was really attached to this idea. I mentioned before that I really think the “catching monkeys” story (which apparently is an urban legend of sorts) is a compelling metaphor. You are imprisoned, but not by your surroundings. You’re imprisoned by your inability to let go of something that appears desirous, but is ultimately harmful.
I of course cannot find it now, but there was a Dave Barry column many years ago that talked about the joys of parenting. I laughed so hard I almost bust a gut, so I remember that there was a part that talked about the only way to get the revolting piece of crud out of a baby’s mouth was to offer him or her something else that was more revolting.
I mention that because I’m tending to agree more these days with Deepak Chopra that lack of attachment (read: lack of desire) is really hard for normal humans to achieve (after all, is the goal of non-desiring a desire?). Given that, it seems like a workable option is to find something less damaging that we can become attached to.
Andrew Weil wrote an interesting article on the relationship between addiction and desire. A highlight for me is this:
I maintain that the essence of addiction is craving for an experience or object to make yourself feel all right. It’s the craving for something other than the self, even if that’s within the realm of the mind. I also feel that addiction is something that’s fundamentally human; it affects everybody. …
Not only is addiction universal not only are all of us in it but it’s the essence of our being as humans. It’s not something to be disowned. You can’t do that, because addiction is part of our core being. It’s part of who we are. Given that, what can we do about addictive behavior? I can think of only two things to do about it. The first is to try to move it, to try and shift it so that the forms of its expression are less harmful rather than more harmful. lt is better to be addicted to a twelve-step program than to be addicted to alcohol. It is better to be addicted to exercise than it is to be addicted to smoking.
The only other strategy is to try and get at the root of craving. The Oriental religions would have us believe that this is possible through intense introspection and meditation and practice. I’m not so sure of that.
This is what I really like so much about the Abe Lincoln philosophy: “when I do good, I feel good.”
Maybe all this pain is about our trying to make ourselves feel better. And even though we have compelling evidence that our solutions are in fact more painful, we’re attached. We don’t have enough confidence to let go. Maybe learning to use feelings as a barometer to how we’re doing can help us gain the courage to let go. Once we discover (perhaps to our surprise) just how much control we have over how we feel, we can give up our addiction of choice.
But either way, I’m with Debra: there’s a lot more to it than “you eat to soothe yourself.”
November 5th, 2005 at 2:41 am
If being fat is a signal that we want others to take care of us (which I somewhat feel is relevant to me too) - how then do I dispell this notion away?
November 5th, 2005 at 8:06 am
Thanks, Beth. It’s clear we enjoy each other’s thoughts and writing very much. I am tempted to link to pretty much everything you write because it is so thoughtful, well written and provocative. Plus, you obviously “get it” which means you think the way I do most of the time. :)
But, seriously, it is difficult to convey the terrible injustice I feel is being done to the average fat person who encounters a health professional, weight loss “counselor, or other interested party who offers them the same behavioral and cognitive prescriptions without bothering to examine why the impulse to eat triumphs over every bit of that individual’s intelligence, knowledge and ability. The short answer is: overeating is the LEAST anxious solution to whatever is going on inside that person, or at least, the least anxious solution that person has been able to trust. This is not, as some might suppose, an “excuse” to keep eating or a way of letting everyone off the hook, but an acknowledgement of a reality that is controlling a vast majority of the vast people.
And I love the “when I do good, I feel good” mantra too. So much that I’m working on a post about where self esteem really comes from.
I’m so glad you’re writing this blog. You must put a considerable amount of time and effort into it, and it really shows.
November 8th, 2005 at 2:12 pm
Obese Gal,
At the risk of channeling Dr. Phil, we can’t change what we don’t acknowledge. So I think what we have to start out doing is becoming as aware as possible that there are underlying reasons for why we say one thing (I want to lose weight), but do another (overeat, don’t exercise, etc).
I did a couple of things. I finally realized that I had to do something. First, I stopped eating crap for the most part. I mean, my real problem was that I was overeating junkfood. They say that the best diet is the one that you’ll stick with, so having had years of experience, I decided that I could go a long way just by eating better. I had so little energy and was so depressed that I couldn’t handle food lists or points or anything like that, so I just started eliminating as much really useless, non-nutritious food as possible.
I’ve not committed to never having these foods again, but for now, I realize that trying to make positive changes while 1) not giving myself the correct fuel, and 2) eating substances that lead to all sorts of biochemical side effects, like cravings and low blood sugar, was a huge part of the problem.
And then I realized I had to do something so that I had an outlet for feelings that I used to overeat (see the books at the bottom of the home page right nav for the ones that I like). I also started listening to meditation music late at night…while watching TV with the close captioning (can we talk about my other problem?).
I also probably shouldn’t short-change my therapist. I saw her for a year, but I went into this with the idea that it wasn’t going to be 10 years of “so, tell me about your childhood” kind of therapy. I wanted to stop overeating. That said, I think she thinks that just the act of getting all the scary, shameful stuff out in the open was what I needed.
I’m sorry I don’t have a “tried and true” concept…or at least one that I can easily explain. I think it’s a lot like the bicycle analogy. It’s really hard to explain to someone how to ride a bike. The truth is that you just have to keep trying until you master it. But hopefully the good part about blogs is that you can hear what works for one person and see if what they describe appeals to you.
Good luck!